Good Ol' Thomas

In just 10 weeks, I will officially be a college graduate and a real DCE. I've waited so long for these moments to come that I'm not sure what to do after they are here. I pray everyday that I've made the right decision in a career choice, in staying in Alaska. I guess this is the Thomas coming out in me but sometimes I doubt those things and in turn doubt God. This week's Gospel lesson is all about Thomas the disciple truly doubting Christ's resurrection until he was able to put his hand in His side, his fingers in His nail-scarred hands.

I see so much of myself in Thomas it's sometimes scary. Even though I want to believe that God has led me to where I am and continues to lead me in the direction He wants me to go, even though I try everyday to give my life to Him for His doing, I find myself wanting that concrete evidence that I'm in the right place at the right time. And maybe I'm simply foolish or blind, but I don't see it. Perhaps I'm not looking hard enough... Perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places... Perhaps I just ought to STOP looking...

I have the most amazing friends in the world. Honest. I am the luckiest girl in the world. With the friends I have, I am confident they will always be there for me-- good and bad. And it's not only my friends from college that are there (even though they ARE wonderful folks!), I have a few select friends from high school who still care and who still stick around. And honestly, these friends, old and new, are more than that. They're family... in more ways than one. They ARE my brothers and sisters in mind, heart and spirit. They are my BROTHERS and SISTERS in Christ!

The more that I think about it, perhaps the concrete evidence I'm looking for are those people who are so dear to me. Afterall, they are the ones I run to, they are the ones who support me, they are the ones I love more than any thing else in the world... except for The One Person who has been here with me since "dirt was new" and "God was a boy". And that is the one thing I have never doubted-- I may doubt His control & guidance in my life, but I've never doubted His presence!

"Don't doubt in the dark, what you know in the light."

Pastor Rockey, Sue and I posing with the 15 trout caught ice fishing in February. 

Sue and I snowmachineing on Bruce Lake in February. 

Just A Thought To Lift You Up

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Thou Art Blessed

Today is a good day. And, no, I'm not just saying that.

Right now, I'm happy... and confirmation starts in an hour and a half so that says something! Things aren't going great, honestly; but they're better, so that's a start. Things with David are starting to be on an upwards climb; things at church are simmering down and next week it'll be even better; my weight managment issues still suck but hopefully my CoreSecrets package will get here soon and that too will be changing!

Thanks for all your prayers! Keep 'em coming but know they're being heard and felt all the way up here in the Great Land.

Confession Time

I have to confess something to you, as if it hasn't been obvious, but I've slipped into a depressive state. I honestly can't remember the last time I genuinely laughed at something. Really. It's killing me to realize that yet again I'm playing right into Satan's hands. Yes, Mollie, Satan has been defeated by my best friend... but I haven't been talking much to him lately... ok, at all. I haven't talked to him at all for a long time. And I realize that's the base of my problems. On top of that, I'm extremely stressed out with things at church to the point that my hair has started to fall out. I'm preoccupied with things concerning me and David. I don't really want to go into details but if your name is Hannah or Julianna, you'll hear the details soon enough. And on top of all of that, I'm fat again. No, really. I am. And I don't know how to control it any more.

Satan has his hold on me. And he's not letting go... or is it that I'm not letting go of him? I don't know anymore...

Straight-up: I need your prayers. I need them now. For all the things going on in my head are starting to slowly kill my spirit... and I don't want that at all.

Addendum to "Four Kinds of Pain"

After I entered my previous post, I clicked on my church's link at the left. I found an old sermon... I was out of town at Mid-Year when it was preached so maybe it's a good thing I didn't find it until today. I've inserted the link below that goes directly to the sermon but I'll give you the excerpts that really hit home:

"I read a devotion yesterday in the Our Redeemer--Chugiak newsletter. Kaylene Johnson is a member and professional writer who shares a devotional in every newsletter. Yesterday I read about her efforts to learn to skate ski (cross country ski). She shared her frustrations and failures. But, the day it kicked in she figured something out, when she looked at her skis, she got confused and fell. But, when she looked at the horizon, she was able to ski. In other words, focusing on herself caused failure. Looking at herself created doubts and problems. Focusing on the goal helped.

When we focus on our weaknesses, our lack of resources, our lack of knowledge, our plentiful sin, we are sure to doubt our ability just as Peter may have. So, when Jesus calls us to serve him, we may even doubt God, and it becomes easy not to even try. But, when we look at him..."

It goes on to talk about Peter's ministry. How Jesus asked him to do alot more that he might've figured he was able to do. But he did it. He sucked it up for Jesus (as I like to say) and followed Him. "It wasn't that Peter had faith in his ability. It wasn't that Peter even knew where he was going. Peter only knew the man he was following, and he trusted that man... That is what faith is, following Jesus into the unknown. ...Peter followed, not because he knew where Jesus was leading all the time, but because he trusted Jesus. That is the only reason we can follow too. And He has ministry out there larger than we can handle, but not larger than Him, or His love, not larger than His forgiveness, not larger than His power."

I think that's my answer. I've been focusing too much on myself and my abilities to grow this youth group spiritually and in attendance... I've forgotten the reason I'm here and who is really in charge of it all.
http://www.st-john-lutheran.org/sermon_pdf/testsermon.pdf

Four Kinds of Pain

Looking back over the past month I have trouble finding where it's all gone. I've started to realize that I'm doing the same things over and over again. I find that troubling. Am I not working hard enough to make things fun?! I'm losing kids from my youth group... seemingly to sports and such but they make time for the "fun" events. I've nearly lost control over my confirmation class... but I take delight in knowing I only have 3 more classes after today to suffer through.

I've taken this call and now, I'm not so excited about things. Don't get me wrong. I want to be a DCE. I'm not sure what else I'd be doing if it weren't for this. I'm just stuck in monotany and I don't know how to get out. I'm looking so much at the future that I forget to plan and watch things that are right in front of me. I worry almost too much about the future of the youth group after my juniors leave next year. I'm worried that we'll lose the eighth graders that are getting confirmed the 3rd of April. I'm worried that I'm not good enough.

David says that I'm starting to buy into all this self-doubt, that I'm starting to believe my pessimistic views on my life and my ministry. And as much as I don't want to admit it, he's right. Why am I so concerned with the numbers? I shouldn't be. I know that. I just want these youth to experience God the way I have, the way I did when I was in high school.

Still, I know the problems begin with me and with my heart. It's confession time: I SUCK at getting into the word and looking to God for guidance. (I guess Sullivan and I are on the same page!) I suck at it. Plain and simple. I realize that without that constant nurturing of my own spirit that I can't guide anyone else. I've faultered in my spiritual life. I've faultered in my physical/emotional life. I've let myself get past the point of recognition and I don't know how to get back...

My body hurts. My heart hurts. My spirit hurts. My head hurts.

I just don't know what to do any more.