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Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Love Stinks! Yeah! Yeah!

Independence Day has taken on new meaning for me... and I'm not exactly elated about it.

Last night after hours of conversation, tears and hugs, David and I confronted the inevitable. Putting our feelings for each other aside, we've agreed to be just friends. Yes, I'm upset. Yes, I'm still crying about it. But the part that breaks my heart is that neither of us want it to be this way. Our love for each other is sincere and I truly believe that this gift God has given to me, this answer to my prayers, is the One so I'm not about to give up. I love him with all my heart and for the first time in my life those feelings are reciprocated. ...And it sucks!

The reasons for the break-up are incredibly valid in that vulcan way of seeing things.

  • He needs to have 100% focus to train and test for the Air Force;
  • I need to focus more on building programming and relationships with my youth;
  • Our relationship isn't(wasn't) as healthy and God-centered as it ought to be... honestly, it's not even in the same region of God, we're in a different universe...
  • He's leaving in 11 weeks and we're both so busy that we'd only get to see eachother once a week maximum-- not nearly enough quality time;
  • Being in training for the Air Force doesn't really allot the time necessary to build and maintain a relationship;
  • The way he sees it: This relationship is headed towards marriage and family and that doesn't coincide with his job as a pararescueman (<--click here) . Being a pararescueman (<-- and here), he's going to be rescueing the stupid people who get behind enemy lines, the people who get lost at sea, etc. so it's an extremely dangerous job in which many men have lost their lives. His fear is that if we continue our relationship to the point of marriage that he'll inevitably be killed and would then leave me and any offspring we might have to live with and be raised by someone else-- something he does not want to happen. (He is however willing to live up to the pararescue motto "so others might live" which is part of my love for him...)
  • Finally, waiting another 11 weeks would only make this more difficult and painful (if that's possible!) for both of us.

So there you have it. We're no longer together. But that doesn't mean I'm available. I love him. I have to have the faith that our time apart-- both these 11 weeks and the 4-6 years to follow-- will only make our friendship stronger and will help our love grow.

Now the only obstacle is to figure out how to be mere friends with the love of my life. I wish it was as easy as it sounds.

Prayer Request: Pray for David and I as we embark on this new phase of our relationship.