Ladies-- If you've got a good man in your life, hold on to him with whatever strength you have. There are some real "winners" out there (catch the sarcasm?) And men, if you think what this guy thinks then under no circumstance should you EVER think about me or my friends!! And after you've finished reading this very, VERY long email, comment on it so I know I'm not alone in thinking this guy is a complete... I'll save profanities. :) So, here he is ladies, straight from the state of Washington... Mark:
HI,
I have a specific type of gal that I know I have been waiting for for years now. If you don't match up closely as you read through this, jump to the bottom. I started developing the characteristics back in junior high and as I've grown more spiritually mature, I find out more and more of exactly what I'm looking for as it should for all who grow closer to Christ and want to be EQUALLY YOKED. By equally yoked, I mean someone with a similar past in Christ and someone who is willing to pray with me now and is willing to discuss theology/doctrine with me, marriage roles, sex in marriage, finances, parenting, and someone willing to read books on these subjects and God-willing already has as I have read a lot already. It means someone who looks forward to talking about Christ and how God is working in our lives and already thinks like this now. God should never be absent from any conversation if you are on the same maturity level. I look at marriage as a bonus. No one needs it, for we are complete in Christ. If you feel that you need marriage, then chances are that you haven't felt complete on your own in Christ. That would be the first thing that you need to get to...prior to any more dates. So, if I choose to marry, she needs to be the type of woman God created me to desire, and a woman who knows that she was created to adapt to her man, as the helper, or helpmate. I'm not going into a marriage, only to change a bunch of my lifelong plans, if I were to get married and be the spiritual leader of my family.I think a good way of looking at it is that every man is to be the coach of his family, according to God, not man. Each man has a different coaching style and offers different qualities. We are looking for an assistant coach(wife). This is a person that wants to fit into our system. We also listen to our assistant coach for any new advice and if we like it, we adopt it. But as the head coach, we make all final decisions. The assistant coach adapts to the head coach's ideas. Then they create their team together(children) and pass along their knowledge and skills to their children, working as a team, as ONE flesh, in marriage, not contradicting one another. Perhaps this has helped you in how you should view a godly marriage and the way to think about finding your coach...=)Spiritually what I'm looking for is a gal who is striving to be a proverbs 31 type of woman....who understand's biblical submissiveness(Eph 5:22-24; 1 Pet 3:1-7) and adaptability and being a pleaser. The majority of single christian women in America don't understand these concepts. Thus, I understand why many men aren't pursuing as many women in America. My pastor and elders say SUBMISSIVENESS is the must quality, primary quality, that I need to look for. She has to be willing to go to a reformed and covenental church. Now that I've gotten the important things out of the way, the following are a few more things that I really treasure in a woman that I'd consider for marriage. Please don't take offense if I don't get too excited if there are things about you that differ from the following. It's just that I've lived enough to know and dated enough women to know what works best for me.I'm looking for a gal who is sports oriented(has a competitive spirit), as I want a sports oriented family. My main sports are basketball, volleyball, pickleball, ping-pong, pool, and some tennis. I would prefer a gal who enjoys and has played competitively in either basketball or volleyball. I coach volleyball too. God has gifted me in coaching and I want to coach my family to get better and train my child(ren), God-willing, in these sports. I would prefer a gal who takes marriage seriously by her studying of christian marriage books(not just the Bible) on the role of men and women and parenting, finances, and understanding of men, which includes sexually. This is so rare in christian men and women...thus showing why so many "christian"marriages are on the rocks. I would prefer a gal who is a virgin, as God has kept me pure in this area too. This is how God created men and women to marry, one virgin to another for life. If she isn't a virgin, then has only sinned in some type of sex act(oral or intercourse) a few times or less and it being YEARS ago, too. I don't want to date women with children or who have been married before. This is due to the fact that I want that to be something I share with my wife for the first tie and I don't want it to be something that she's already done with someone else. I'm not into having pets, as I'm allergic to animal hair and have had to suffer through it all my life because my parents didn't care and just told me to tough it out. I'm the only christian in my family, and perhaps extended family too. I grew up Catholic, left it in college when I could leave it...out of the parents house...attended arminian churches (conservative baptist and non-denominational)...for 10 years..not knowing that there were reformed, calvinistic churches until more recently. I had been praying for about 5 years on and off for God to bring me to one, and HE answered my prayer...and now I'm so pumped for church every Sunday...praise God, because I'm learning the truth and getting deep into the word. I got tired of the shallowness from most churches.The following is something that is pretty important to me. I include it only because I value this trait in a woman greatly. I would prefer my wife to home school our kids at least through junior high, and then see about running start for them in last 2 years in high school. I'm in the public school system and know how weak it is overall. I want the best for my kids, and being on the teacher's salary, doubt I would be able to afford Christian schooling...besides most Christian schools are Arminian anyway. I prefer a wife to have a similard educational background (college degree) so that she will be able to handle the responsibility of home schooling our 1 or 2 kids, God-willing. Number two in a man's needs in a wife behind wild sex is a recreational partner and for me that is a sports oriented woman that I can physically play with and coach. I prefer a simple lifestyle, not one of traveling...as a teacher's salary won't afford anyway, besides it showing a materialistic, unnecessary, expensive mentality. I figure the woman for me would have grown up in the lower middle income range. People usually are accustomed to what they received from their parents growing up and expect that as adults and for their children, too. This is why many marry in the same or very close socioeconomic class that they grew up in. This last statement is a tip for all reading this. It also means many less adjustments in marriage, too, which can be overwhelming when two come from very different backgrounds.I would want my wife to work until a child came along, to save up money, as we would still live off of my salary alone...which is what all good biblical financial advisors, such as Larry Burkett, would advise(Prov 15:22; 16:16; 21:5,20,29; 22:3,5,7,26-27; 24:3-6; 31:16). That would mean also being prudent with my money and she being with her's prior to marriage. For both should be saving for marriage, not wasting it now as singles, in my opinion. The bible says to be prudent for your future family to take care of them. For if you can't, you are worse than an unbeliever. I prefer a woman who is not in debt and I would hope that you are more of a saver than a spender. By women saving up now, as a single, you are helping your household in the future so that you can stay home to raise the kids, instead of working and sending them off to the cattle ranch (daycare). I don't prefer to live in a small town/city..below say 25,000 or so. I've done it once and that was too long already within 6 months. I'm not a farm person or country person. I'm a conservative, outer suburb person. I don't plan on having a large house or fancy, expensive cars/vans,living on a teacher's salary. I don't get into "doing things" that cost much money therefore beforehand, for that isn't being prudent with God's money. I am saving now for my future family, are you? Sadly, many Americans are in debt or have little money going into marriage because they don't take this mentality beforehand. Thus they aren't working on living as they will have to in marriage, now. They are also focused on materialism, which will only carry over into marriage itself.Physically, some of the qualities that I'm looking for are a slender to average sized gal...that is example: 5'6'', 120-145(in many men's idea). I prefer 5'4'' to 5'10''...as I'm 6'1'', 220 lbs and have a medium frame. A gal that is in this category would then also have a small to medium frame too. Most men, including myself, prefer a woman with a similar body type as themself or smaller. We aren't into excuses as to why you are overweight, medical or otherwise. I'm a breast man(Prov 5:19). I prefer a C to a D-cup. I also like medium to long length hair. I want a woman who looks more like a woman than a man. These two areas stand out most. I have full body pics that I can send, as hopefully you either have them on the net or can send through the mail. God gives each man different desires so please don't consider attacking me for mine. I won't attack you for yours either. Remember, you were created to adapt to the man (1 Cor 11:3-9).If you know much about men, men are turned on by the looks of a female, so that is very important, a must for me. I need a woman who will be wild sexually, a little daring, very pleasing in dress, sexual talk, positions and locations, which would be discussed before serious commitment moving towards marriage(Song of Songs/Solomon chs 4, 7,8). All actual sex only occurs between the two in marriage...no outside parties. I say the last two sentences for I know there are many christian women who aren't into sex and think of it as a chore or duty only and have negative views about it. Any such woman is an automatic no-go for me. I want someone with a great, free-loving spirit towards sex in marriage. One who isn't afraid to discuss it and admit it openly to men, now. I don't believe in pornography in marriage or masturbation in marriage. Your spouse should be wanting and loving to take care of all your desires all the time, whether that is affectionately or sexually (1 Cor 7:3-5). We are to give willingly to each other our bodies for the other's pleasure.Age wise, would probably be between 22-30(flexible)...as I'm 34. Also, someone who is organized in her place..not a sloppy person. As a future godly wife, she needs this skill big time, NOW, not promising that she will become that way in marriage. Younger than that, she usually hasn't had the time to really make the christian faith her own..outside of the parent's realm..and hasn't usually experienced enough of life...to see all the evil out there in the real world and work force to be able to appreciate a man enough and what he will have to go through politically on the job, being a christian in a non Christian world. This is why it is important for her to experience that for a while first. She also hasn't had time to show that she saves money for marriage, too. Not just out spending whatever she makes and thus not thinking of the future and not being a wise steward of her(God's) money. She also usually doesn't come to understand men enough by then. She still thinks in her dream state...instead of reality. Hasn't put away those romantic books that she shouldn't have read to begin with...lol, which many professionals make equal to pornography for men, for they sexually arouse a woman,like pornography does for a man. I prefer a republican. I prefer the traditional, GODLY, woman.Our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit, and we need to take care of them well, like the temples in the bible were physically(1 Cor 6:19-20). I don't drink alcohol or any coffee type products. I have full body pics to send and hopefully you do to. I have seen too many women lie on here, which means automatic no-go for me. I can't stand liars. This means that you if you say you will do something for me..or meet me online at a certain time, you Better be on time. Otherwise you are being totally disrespectful to that person and lack maturity as an adult. Once in a while, something may come up and you didn't have time to let me know ahead of time, I understand that..something beyond your control. But that should be rare...like once a month. I also want someone that will pray with me on the phone and or in person with ease, not feeling awkward. Not willing to is another sign of not being a christian or spiritual immaturity. You also are into discussing the word of God, Jesus himself, etc...showing your biblical knowledge and growth in your rleationship with Jesus (Jn 17:3). This person should also be and have been a regular church goer for several years or more now. Looking to get out of church to work on Sunday often is a sign of spiritual immaturity or of not being a christian at all, if you have the ability to say NO Sundays and you don't choose to check that box on days you can't work.God bless,MarkI have worked hard for the past 20 years to ask for such a godly woman. Thus, I'm looking for someone who also has worked hard and long in her past to develop great godly qualities like I have to deserve someone like me, too. I'm not perfect and neither are you. So, women, don't even try to tell me that I'm looking for the perfect woman, because we are all sinful from conception (ps 51:5) in Adam (rom 5:12) and we will sin daily the rest of our lives here on earth. You either accept me for me, as you love to tell me to do, or move on. NO big deal. Just means that it wasn't God's will for us to either be friends online or more, for God's will is done 100% of the time, Rom 11:36, eph 1:11; phil 1:6; 2:13, and no one can thwart it or slow it down, ever. This doctrine is called the Providence of God, for those of you who don't know, which falls underneath God's Sovereignty.If this isn't you, but you know of someone who is close, please forward this on to them and let them read it and decide if they are interested enough to email me. God may use you to bless an acquaintance or friend of your's. That appears to be the main way that couples hook up, that is, from referrals from other christians.If you have many of the same interests and beliefs or would like to know more about why I believe the way I do, and would like to be online friends, that is cool, too.
Qualities that Godly men should have now and things they should have done already prior to dating/looking for a spouse, of which I have done these and believe in these.These are qualities that I think a solid godly husband should have or be willing to do and has the desire to reach this level and higher..If you don't come across one who has at least the desire and is showing it in his life, don't waste your time with him.
1. He should be familiar with the Bible and know his essential doctrine because he is to be the spiritual leader of the house and needs to know basic doctrine and be able to discuss itintelligently to his wife and train his kids what it is. He should have read several books on doctrine/theology (I've read 50+) to better understand the Word of God or at least read a good profession of Faith, such as the Westminster Confession of Faith.
2. He should be a spiritual leader in the house, which means making sure prayer takes place before meals as a family. I also think he should pray with his wife daily, about her and for her needs, the kids,and vice-versa. He is to know what is being done within his household for he alone is responsible to God for what is being taught to his wife and to his children by his wife, too.
3. I think the man should lead bible study a few times a week for the household. Thinking of God and learning about him and meditating on his word needs to be a priority in the household. Therefore he is teaching his household about Christ and then he and his wife will be better examples for their children and also in their training up of their children that are lent to them by God, knowing they will eventually be gone out of the house. We are to do all we can while we have them so they can defend their faith and know what respect for others and God is all about. It is a very crucial point in parenting that is neglected nowadays and has been.
4. He should have discipline when it comes to finances and not waste money. The way we spend our money determines where ourpriorities are. He should have saved up 5-10 thousand dollars already and started to put away into a retirement account by his mid 20's. Probably 50, 000+ by 30. Obviously more as time goes by. Women should have money saved up, too, according to their age. Too many women spend selfishly while single (new cars, trips, etc, expensive clothes, expensive shoes, perfumes, etc) only expecting the man to save for marriage while single. A mature godly man or woman is not in debt, either...unless for a house he may have purchased already. He should be a long range planner, which brings security to the relationship. He should logically think things through, especially large purchases for days, and not be an impulse buyer. Same goes for a woman. Impulse buyers are the ones who usually end up in credit card debt, etc...as 80% of American adults are in now, sadly.
5. He should read christian books on marriage and sex(I've read 50+ on marriage, finances, sex, communication, differences between the genders, parenting in a godly manner) with his wife at least once or twice a year. He should have daily discussions with his wife about her day and his day knowing that it is important to his wife to have these. Of course when they occur, such as not once he walks in the door from work when he wants some transition time is not good, unless he brings it up himself. they should talk about what they need prayer for, what they are struggling with, how they can please each other better on a daily basis, whether through compliments, doing things a certain way which is important for the other person, how they can please each other better sexually, showing of affection throughout the day without it always leading to sex, etc. Women need to realize that men need them to say exactly what they desire. Men are not mind readers. Women need to learn to be more frank in what they desire. Men do want to please their wife. Both should strive to stay in decent shape for each other through exercise and not eating a lot, as we can in this country. America is now one of if not the fattest nation in the world. This includes kids, too, sadly.
6. Men should put God first, wife second, kids third, work fourth. Women should have same priority level also. This means women need to pay more attention to their husbands still even after kids come into the picture. This is important for the kids to see as an example. Both men and women once again need to remember that the kids are only here so long then they move on to their own lives, but the husband and wife stay together for the lifetime. Too manywomen especially neglect their husbands for the kids and after they leave, neither husband and wife seem to have a lot in common and communication, sex, affection throughout the day, has gone to crap and the husband resents this big time. Once again, communicationand have the right priorities going into marriage is a must. men and women don't talk enough in detail about how their roles in marriage should be, both before kids and after.
7. A man should look to encourage his wife by complimenting her whenever he can knowing she needs this much more than a man does and most men have not done that growing up. Women need to realize this and it will take time to develop. This is where the dailycommunication comes in and sharing their needs directly with each other. Women don't give hints! Men don't get hints. Be direct. I can't say that enough.
8. A man should desire to spend time with his kids. I plan on teaching them sports all growing up, for good exercise, coordination, discipline, hard work ethic, competitive drive needed for the real world, and teamwork/leadership needed for the real world and marriage. Men need to spend time training them and discussing life with them and take advantage of examples in life to teach them lessons about what should have happened.
9. I myself am a very determined, disciplined, responsible man that takes things seriously when it comes to godly matters, such as doing it right, according to the bible, and admitting mistakes and being willing to change through the power of the Holy Spirit. I am a more structured person as one can tell probably from reading this. I grew up as a perfectionist for academics and sports and now the Holy Spirit has changed that desire over to doing my best to please God by learning through studying God's word and solid christian books, what it is to be a godly man.
10. I have learned from reading that a great way to handle any arguments you may have with your spouse that need to get discussed before the sun goes down(biblical- so Satan doesn't mess with our minds and blow things out of proportion) is to hold hands while talking so we are so close and intimate that we won't lose our temper. I like the idea of not having or not using a tv the first year of marriage in order to focus on each other and communicationwith each other and getting to know each other sexually. I think of the example in the Bible where men were not sent to war in their first year of marriage so they could get to know their new wife.
11. I think if the man is a virgin, he should look for one as well, or one who is very close, such as one or two grievous sexual sins. Same goes the other way around. This shows a serious level of love for the marriage covenent and love for your future spouse years in advance. You aren't giving your heart and body away to others that you can never recover for your future spouse. If either hasn't kept their virginity, I think that they should have repented of it for at least five years to prove their repentance and spiritual growth and trust in this area while amongst others afterwards of the opposite gender. I think too many just think that mentally they have repented but haven't been tested to see if it is truly true, yet, until it's been several years.
12. I could go into more detail about different areas within marriage and what I think should be discussed before marriage, i.e., every major topic and many minor ones as possible, so you are both on the same page going into marriage. Such as I do beleive in spanking children if necessary, depending on their temperment, to make sure they learn respect very early on, not only for myself, but for my wife, who they better not learn to mess with because I am to protect her and I will be with her for a lifetime.
I hope this explains enough to begin with where I am coming from on what it means to be a godly husband. It is a learning process but we need to have solid foundations about what we need to be learning and doing when it actually happens before we get into it. Very fewmen and women do this and I believe it is unbiblical and why so many christian marriages end in divorce, almost as many as nonchristian.Please feel free to express any concerns you have with any positions I have taken above or agree with me in any areas above. I am always into listening to other solid godly advice.
In Christ,Mark
