Something to think about....

A Letter From Jesus Christ, concerning His birthday celebration.

Dear children,

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own.I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth just, GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Now, having said that let Me go on.

If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can & may remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if youwish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching explaining who I am inrelation to you &what each of our tasks were. If you have forgot that one,look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is mywish list. Choose something from it.

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday isbeing celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away fromhome. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.
2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know thempersonally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.
3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cardshis staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.
4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't affordand they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth,and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms andremind them that I love them.
5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.
6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their ownlife this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don'tknow who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile itcould make the difference. Also, you might consider supporting the localHot-Line: they talk with people like that every day.
7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls theholiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warmsmile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "MerryChristmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stopshopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families.
8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary, especially one who takes My love &Good News to those who have never heard My name. You may already know someone like that.
9. Here's a good one. There are individuals & whole families in your townwho not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have anypresents to give or receive. If you don't know them (and I suspect you don't) buy some food &a few gifts & give them to the Marines, the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me &they will make the delivery for you.
10. Finally if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

P.S. Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me &do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above &get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember,

I LOVE YOU

I'm baaaaaaaack!

Taking vacations really tends to screw you over once you return to real life. I got back from Florida very early Sunday morning and have been trying my best to recover from all that had occurred both on vacation and before.

Prior to vacation, my good friend, David, returned home from the Air Force. Admittedly I was nervous about seeing him again yet I remained excited. It was good to find out that even though he's cleaned himself up a bit, he's still the same old David we all know and love. True, he got on my nerves a bit and he even managed to create a bit of drama too (sans Jamie that is!) But it was nice to finally realize that we are okay actually great as friends and just friends. But I was a bit disappointed that he and I didn't get to spend much time together so I (relucantly) turned down another ride offer and asked David to take me into the airport. And you know? It was probably one of the best conversations we've ever had-- and we've had MANY conversations over the years! Anywho, while I was in Florida he caught several different flights out to Japan where he will be stationed for the next few years. We've already heard from him several times. He's getting settled and looking forward to receiving some of my infamous Double Chocolate Banana Cake.

Vacation itself started out fantastically. I spent a few days with my beloved Julianna. Even though she was trying to recover from her Thanksgiving vacation, she put up with me just fine. After that, I traveled back to Orlando (after going to Tampa first-- stupid highways!) to pick up my sister at her apartment then my parents at the airport. Thus beginnith our Diney vacation! We spent 9 days together as a family (and Jules even spent some time with us too!) and while it was constantly eventful and fun, we've officially decided that my sister and I aren't allowed to be together for more than 4 days. We're currently trying to develop a sort of shift schedule for all future family vacations. Long story short: Erin and I are complete and total opposites in every way-- physically, emotionally, etc. We are able to be civil and even loving for a maximum of 4 days after which all civility stops and bitchyness consumes. Other than that, vacation was wonderful. I really honestly truly LOVE spending time with my parents even if it is only 9 days a year.

So now I find myself back home (yes, Alaska is my home) trying my best to get back into the swing of things. During staff meeting yesterday I nearly had a heartattack when I realized Christmas is literally two weeks away. CRAZINESS!! So while I'd like to take my time recovering and easing back into it, I need to get on the ball. It's back to the schedules and the stresses and the disappointments of this ministry.

In case I don't get back soon enough-- I hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas!

Good Lord!

It's been a long time since I last posted... geez, Louise!

It's been a crazy busy month and I'm sure a lot of things have happened but, right at this moment, I'm not entirely sure what they are. My head has been spinning since September! However, hopefully it will stop spinning during my vacation :)

For the next two weeks I will be visiting friends & family in Orlando, Florida! It's a much anticipated vacation that's one-week shy of my minimum vacation time at work. Right now the it's -15 degrees and windy. Tomorrow I'll have 75 degrees and sunshine. Oh the joys of vacation.

Until then however I must get a multitude of things finished prior to my departure. I'm not in a good mood and I'm feeling extremely rushed right now. Thus, bloggerfriends, I must leave you now. Hopefully, I'll post some pictures of my fantastic vacation when I come back.

Northern Lights & New Theories

Last week, the Northern Lights were absolutely amazing...
They were out several nights last week and each night they just got better and better. And I was lucky enough to catch them every night as I was driving from my house to my housesitting house. One night as I was watching them I started praying, as I often do when I see the Auroras, and I really felt God talking to me, working in my heart. You know, it never fails to amaze me how wonderful our God is, how comforting He can be... and how healing He can be.

Obviously the biggest hurt on my heart lately has been the aforementioned "hateful decision" I succumbed to earlier this month. To make a long story short, I'm not totally convinced that the decision I made is truly the right one. I realize that my feelings on this issue seem to change... well... a lot, so I realize your skepticism in believing me this time. But, you know, I'm finally at peace with this issue with this revelation I have now.

So the decision I previously made-- that I miss him-- was ultimately made so that I can protect my heart. You see my heart has been broken several times before-- so many times there's scar tissue on scar tissue-- and this last time... I just... it hurt a lot and I don't want to have to go through that again. Not again. So I try to convince myself that I'm caught up in this idea, this unhappy place, because I'm afraid of... I'm afraid of being happy again because every time I'm happy in a relationship it just ends up shattering my heart... every one of my relationships end that way. Yes, Hannah, it is a defeatest attitude to have. But that's the way it is. History DOES repeat itself and unfortunately it hurts worse and worse every time repeats.
So my new theory, this new revelation, is that I'm trying to hold on to something that isn't there so that I can protect myself from going through any sort of heartache again. There you have it.

Believe what you want... Take bets on how long it'll take me to post yet another I've-changed-my-mind blog... This is what it's about. I know.

Time Flies...

Wow. It's been nearly a month since I last posted and actually quite a lot has gone on. I'll spare you most of the details... but you'll still get some :)

Since my last post:

• April & Chad "broke up". April maintains that they never really were dating so they couldn't technically break up but what else would you call it? Seconds after Chad left the house after the aforementioned break up, April promptly blurted out, "Jamie, I think YOU should date Chad." To which my other roommate said, "Me too!".... fabulous...
• I had a conversation with David during which he literally hung up on me because "Oh! A girl is calling me." Talk about being slapped back into reality. I'm not saying I'm completely over him, but I am saying I'm A LOT better than I was a month ago... plus I have other theories now that I promise to mention later.
• I'm officially becoming more like my sister everyday. In the past week, I have caught myself using the phrase "FYI" on more than an occassional basis. I've heard of turning into your mother but your sister? Interesting...
• Work stuff has been VERY discouraging. My numbers have dwindled to two or three per week. And while I know it's not all about numbers, I can't help but (a) take it personally and (b) worry about my future here. Any tips on completely revamping a program, add 'em here!!
• Eagle-River-Guy is no more. Frankly, he creeps me out and I don't even know him. He's off the books. Yay. But now I've got one talking to me who's even closer in proximity... but he seems less weird. We'll see...
• Finally, April has moved on to our friend, Nick, and boy are we THRILLED! He's absolutely perfect for her and frankly she needs some happiness in her life right now with all that her family is going through. (Her dad has a cancerous tumor on his kidney. He's getting it removed on Thursday. Prayers are readily accepted!)

Basically, that's it. It's been crazy busy around here yet I always seem to find time to waste online... don't we all? As for my new theory, I'll have to blog about that later. Confirmation starts today and I have yet to plan my lesson--The Queen of Procrastination strikes again!

Hateful Decisions

It's been a while since I actually posted something personal on this thing. I mean football articles and 9-11 poems might suffice for some of you but others deserve more. And no I won't talk about Rick Springfield (though he IS sexy...) but I will be referencing one of my past posts. Just as a warning to any of my kiddos who read this-- Sorry if it's TMI! Stop reading here if you don't want to know!


Around the middle of August I blogged about a certain question that has been on my mind for a few months, especially since my roommate started dating our friend Chad (aren't they cute?!). Deciphering between what my head was saying (ie I miss the idea of him) and what my heart wanted (ie I miss him) has been difficult, and much to the dismay of many people (myself included!) I've successfully decided... and I hate my decision.

I don't want to miss him. I don't want to miss any part of it, but I do. I hate it because I know that he doesn't feel the same way. Even though that crushes me, I'm the kind of person that just can't let people run away from her. Jules says so, so it must be true. It's an admirable quality- fighting for ones friends- but really, where does the admiration stop and annoyance begin?

I know that I should take the advice of some wonderful girls (you know who you are!) and agree to actually meet Eagle-River-Guy but I'm hestiant. More than hesitant, really. Stubborn is more like it. I'm holding onto this ideal that's forcing me out of living my life. I'm holding onto my idea of what I want and it's not leaving any room for what God wants for me. And at this point, I'm not sure if I care what God wants. It's a horrible thing to say. I know He wants nothing but the best of the best for me. He would never let me down. But maybe I'm not worried about Him letting me down... it's the reverse. Wow... I've already let Him down so much that I'm afraid if I let go of this situation I'll just disappoint Him more. I know He doesn't work like that but sometimes it feels that way.

I need you to know that it's not Chad & April's fault I feel this way. It's not Jules or Hannah or Kristy. It's not Bristol (my other roommate). It's not even David or Josh (aka Eagle-River-Guy). It's me plain and simple. And since it's not someone elses issue, I'm not sure how to deal with it. Just be aware that I don't want him to know I miss him... I think him knowing would only make it worse. It'll get figured out. I'll move on. It's just going to take much longer than I had initially hoped.

Gonna Be A Bear

In this life, I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear.

Two Thousand and One, Nine Eleven

Two thousand one, nine eleven
Three thousand plus arrive in heaven
As they pass through the gate,
Thousands more appear in wait

A bearded man with stove pipe hat
Steps forward saying, "Lets sit, lets chat"
They settle down in seats of clouds

A man named Martin shouts out proud
"I have a dream!" and once he did
The Newcomer said, "Your dream still lives."

Groups of soldiers in blue and gray
Others in khaki, and green then say
"We're from Bull Run, Yorktown, the Maine"
The Newcomer said, "You died not in vain."

From a man on sticks one could hear
"The only thing we have to fear.
The Newcomer said, "We know the rest,
Trust us sir, we've passed that test."

"Courage doesn't hide in caves
You can't bury freedom, in a grave,"
The Newcomers had heard this voice before
A distinct Yankees twang from Hyannisport shores

A silence fell within the mist
Somehow the Newcomer knew that this
Meant time had come for her to say
What was in the hearts of the five thousand plus that day

"Back on Earth, we wrote reports,
Watched our children play in sports
Worked our gardens, sang our songs
Went to church and clipped coupons
We smiled, we laughed, we cried, we fought
Unlike you, great we're not"

The tall man in the stovepipe hat
Stood and said, "Don't talk like that!
Look at your country, look and see
You died for freedom, just like me"

Then, before them all appeared a scene
Of rumbled streets and twisted beams
Death, destruction, smoke and dust
And people working just 'cause they must

Hauling ash, lifting stones,
Knee deep in hell, but not alone
"Look! Blackman, Whiteman, Brownman, Yellowman
Side by side helping their fellow man!"

So said Martin, as he watched the scene
"Even from nightmares, can be born a dream."

Down below three firemen raised
The colors high into ashen haze
The soldiers above had seen it before
On Iwo Jima back in '45

The man on sticks studied everything closely
Then shared his perceptions on what he saw mostly
"I see pain, I see tears,I see sorrow -- but I don't see fear."

"You left behind husbands and wives
Daughters and sons and so many lives
Are suffering now because of this wrong
But look very closely. You're not really gone.
All of those people, even those who've never met you
All of their lives, they'll never forget you
Don't you see what has happened?
Don't you see what you've done?
You've brought them together, together as one.

With that the man in the stovepipe hat said
"Take my hand," and from there he led
Three thousand plus heroes,
Newcomers to heaven

On this day, two thousand one, nine eleven
Author UNKNOWN

A Girls' Priorities

For those of you who know me well, you know that the only thing I hate about my job & living in Alaska is that I miss 75% of all NFL football games-- if only they'd move all their games to Thursdays... So, in an effort to help those of you understand exactly what I LOVE about being a part of this season, of being the 12th man on the field, here is exactly what happens during the season...

If you somehow manage to watch every regular-season game, you will witness about 1,100 touchdowns, 600 of them passing, 400 rushing and another 100 on defense and special teams. You'll also see 900 field goals and about a dozen safeties. You'll enjoy almost 10,000 completed passes and 9,000 first downs. If you like defense, you're in luck: a typical NFL season features roughly 1,200 sacks and 500 interceptions.

But an NFL season isn't all touchdowns, sacks and excitement. Over the next four months, you'll see 6,700 incomplete passes. The Football Outsiders database shows that a typical season includes 1,200 runs for no gain, 1,700 one-yard runs and almost 2,000 two-yard runs. For more boredom, how about 200 missed field goals, 2,400 punts, 200 touchbacks and over 500 fair catches?

You'll see about 4,300 penalties, 800 of them false starts, 600 offensive holding calls, 130 roughing the passer flags and over 200 defensive pass interference penalties, half of them against Quentin Jammer.

Finally, by the time they pry the remote from your lifeless hand in January, you'll have watched about 1,500 measurements for a first down, 3,500 reaction shots of the head coach on the sidelines, several thousand beer advertisements and a few hundred previews for 24 (a show you'll watch anyway) and War at Home (no comment). And you'll hear over 800 hours of announcer babble, three or four of which will be informative.

But thankfully, you'll only have to endure one Rascal Flats/P. Diddy concert
(taken from an article on FoxSports.com)

God, Thank you for creating such a wonderful & exciting game!! GO RAMS!!

My Cup Overfloweth

If you have known me for any period of time, you might know that there was ONE song (cd really) that forced me to blow-out three seperate sets of speakers in my VW bug in high school. Any guesses? YEP!! (Gee, you know me so well!) It's Rick Springfield's "Jesse's Girl". Though I realize most people my age have no idea who he is, Rick Springfield is quite possibly my top favorite 80s music god!! And this morning at 7:30am my mother called me to give me the best news a girl could possibly wake up to: I am the proud owner of an official Rick Springfield Tour t-shirt!!! (Her friend, Randi, saw him in concert at the California State Fair and knew I loved him...)Oh yeah. You're jealous I can tell but I'm not going to share... I mean just look at him...

Yeah, sure he's old enough to be my father but look at those arms! Damn!! Now, if only I could find a guy my age who plays guitar like my Rick, I'd be in heaven!

Uncertainty

The past few evenings I have spent the night curled up on my end of the couch with my roommate, April, on the other end discussing a multitude of things. Mostly, though, it's been boys and roommates.

You see, we've lived in this 3-bedroom house together for 6 weeks now and our third roommate, though she did pay rent for the month of August, has yet to sleep in the house. Actually, she's only been in the house a total of four times since we moved in. To make a long story short, she's supposed to tell us this week if she will actually be moving in or if we need to find another roommate. So much of our nightly conversations have covered the topic of "If not Nikki, then who?" and we've ultimately come up with two viable options: 1. Sara (21, Nikki's sister) and 2. Melanie (24, group friend). Both girls have an equal number of positives listed under them... and an equal number of negatives. Both girls have jobs and are going to school. Both girls get along fabulously with us. Both girls would enjoy not living with their parents anymore. So April and I are stuck in this conundrum where we love both of these girls and wouldn't mind living with either of them... but the reality is, as we confessed last night, neither April nor I want another roommate. Yet, regardless of what we want, we cannot afford to NOT have someone else living with us so that brings us to the decision-making process of possibly hurting someone's feelings.

For those of you who know me, I hope you wouldn't describe me as a selfish person. I rarely see myself acting selfishly but last night I was. You see, April is in the beginnings of a relationship with our friend, Chad, and Melanie has a boy(space)friend in Anchorage, so in this way (and this way alone) I would rather live with Sara so I might avoid always being the fifth wheel in the house. Even as I type these sentences, I feel horrible. How could a friend actually say that? Actually feel that?

The answer, my friends, is someone who is just about as lonely as she can be. As I previously mentioned, the remainder of our conversations have been about boys mostly because April has NEVER had a boyfriend. Much of our evenings is me telling her what I've done and why she should never do it. Last night she asked me a question though that I couldn't answer: How do you know if you like the idea of hanging out with a guy or if you actually like hanging with him? Now for those of you who know me well, you know that I regularly struggle with this question and ones like it. Recently, with the addition of Chad into April's life and possibly the introduction of another "attached" roommate, I find myself struggling with whether I miss him or the idea of him.

If any of you out there have an easy way of deciphering this battle of uncertainty I have, let me know so I can get over this plateau...

Just breathe...

It's been awhile and things have been crazy. This past month I've been living in three different places, dog/cat/rabbit-sitting, VBSing, Conferencing and packing & cleaning (LOTS of packing & cleaning) but now that August is here, things are a bit less hectic. I'm finally moved out of my apartment and into the house. I'm finished housesitting (though it wasn't without it's issues) and I'm done travelling for the time being. Here are some pics from the conference in Orlando...

I'll update more later, promise!

Following Suit...

I like surveys... I think they're fun plus they're a FABULOUS waste of time and if you know me at all procrastination is definitely one of my finest qualities. So, down with VBS for now and on to the survey!!!

Two Names You Go By:
1. James
2. Jamie J

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Black & White Skirt
2. Black Tank Top

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. Faith in God & each other
2. Spontaneity

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Reading
2. Photography

Two Things You Want Really Badly At The Moment:
1. Steak N Shake
2. A stress-free job

Two pets you had/have:
1. Anna Belle the Goldfish
2. Smokey the Cat (who now parties with Jesus!)

Two things you did last night:
1. Played Frisbee
2. Swam in Matanuska Lake

Two People that live in your house:
1. Currently, Myself
2. Soon, April & Nikki

Two things you ate today:
1. English Muffin
2. Ice Cream with Sprinkles (it's National Ice Cream month, give me a break!)

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. My Mom (via phone)
2. Spoda (via AIM)

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. VBS Organization & Staff Training
2. Youth Newsletter

Two longest car rides:
1. State College, PA to Colorado River (Arizona)
2. Seward, NE to Rocklin, CA to Palmer, AK

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Superbowl Sunday
2. New Year's Eve

Two Things You Can't Live Without:
1. Jesus
2. Milk

How are you, Eleanor?

Last Friday I attended the funeral of longtime church member, Eleanor Brooks. She and her husband, Al, moved up here in the early 1940s right at the beginning of the colonization of Alaska. She had many wonderful stories of how Palmer has changed over the years and of the many adventures she and Al went on. Al passed away a number of years ago so I never knew him but seeing pictures of the two of them together you can tell just how much they loved each other.

Anyway, the thing I admired most about Eleanor was her heart simply because it belonged to God alone. For the longest time, she was the oldest member of the Evangelism board. She always found a way to talk to people about Jesus-- no matter the circumstance or the hour. She was the best at writing personal notes to visitors and her handwriting was impeccable! In fact, I got cards from her that were simply meant to encourage me and my ministry. When Al died, she repeatedly told Pastor Rockey that the funeral service shouldn't be about Al, it should be about Christ. No tears only the Gospel. She said that if someone in that room didn't know who Jesus was and what He did before they entered the church, they should know after. That is how she lived her life and that is how she finished it too.

But perhaps the greatest thing that Eleanor ever did to open doors for Christ was her answer to the question, "How are you?" Now most of us (myself included!) blindly answer this question with the vague "fine" or "good" but not Eleanor. No, she opened the door for Christ with one simple word: "Thankful"

Makes you think, doesn't it? How much more could you be doing for Christ if you simply changed one little word in your vocabulary? Try to be thankful today and every day not only for yourself but also for Christ.

Beauty & The Beastly Life

I took this picture about 2 months ago and decided that it might just be good enough to get matted and framed. Well, I picked up the completed picture yesterday and it turned out to be beautiful!! And I honestly don't think I'm saying that simply because I took the picture but it's amazing how much a good frame can change the whole look of the piece.

The beauty of this land around me continues to amaze me day after day. Things here are never the same two days in a row. When it's raining, like it is today, I often find myself indoors looking out a window wondering what tomorrow will be like.

Sometimes, I think we need to do that for ourselves. What I mean is this: When things are kinda drizzly and gross in our lives we need to step outside ourselves, take a good look at who and where we are, and look forward to what tomorrow will bring. Reflecting on the past year, many of us will note the bad times-- the break-ups, the roommate issues, money problems, schedule stresses, lack of friends, lack of time, unanswered prayers, etc-- but how many of us honestly remember the good times? Those times when the coffee guy smiles at you in that oh-so-adorable way? Those times when you realize just how much you really do love your job? Those times when you get a surprise package in the mail? Those times when you find a really good article or book to read? Those times when you feel closest to God?

Yes, bad things do happen but God gives us beauty to experience in every day. We just have to remember to focus on the good.

My Heart Longs For Thee

“Africa is amazing. Africa is a million and one things. It is a land of contradictions, and a land of great controversy. Africa is more diverse than any other place on the planet. It has experienced the greatest combination of foreign thievery and foreign goodwill. It is plagued with individuals who are hurting, dirty, and dying. It is plagued with rich leaders. It is strong, joyful and resilient. Africa is filled to the brim with song, dance and soccer. It fills your lungs with life with every burnt breath. It fills your eyes with tears with every sight. The sun blazes, the rain pours. It has more sky than your eyes could possibly take in. Africa is humbling. Africa rips the heart out of your chest and buries it in the rich red soil, knowing that you will someday return, to see the growth. And there is no doubt it will grow. Africa is dangerous, welcoming, and addictive. It is prosperous. It is poor. It is all too overwhelming. Africa knows the value of friendship. Time is not money in Africa. And money goes a long way. Africa holds a mirror up to your soul - letting you see all your selfish desires, and not letting go, until you're completely broken."-Invisible Children-

I want to be like Spode & Kettle...

Nov of 2000 to October of 2005

Guess I've changed some too... But then again, it's just the roundness of my face and we all know what that means ;)

Some 'Girls'...

One of my favorite shows to watch on TV (actually I have to record it and watch it later so technically I'm watching a video, but whatever) is Gilmore Girls. I admit that I love being involved in other people's lives... especially lives that aren't real. In fact, I love it so much that i actually check up on story lines and watch preview clips on websites. So in preparation for tonights season finale, I checked up on the Girls' site and found an interview with the guy who plays Rory's boyfriend, Logan Huntsberger. In it the interviewer asked him: Rory always seems to be attracted to bad boys. Why do you think that is? And his answer was absolutely profound: It's a side of her that she can express through a relationship. Often times we find in life that we're intrigues by those people who have qualities that aren't like our own. Amen to that, Logan... er, I mean Matt.

Honestly, I've found myself asking that question a lot lately. Last Wednesday after breifly hearing from David about him voluntarily dropping out of the pararescue program (that's another blog for later) I called my mom and asked, "Why do I attract these guys who have no idea what they want to do with their lives?!" Really it's been a point of frustration for me since the first time I ever seriously dated anyone (for those of you who know me, you know who I'm talking about) And with the exception of one guy, the others I've dated have been in this limbo regarding what they've wanted to do with their lives. BUT now with the information provided through Gilmore Girls I understand why I attract these guys-- I'm intrigued by people who have qualities that aren't like mine! I've wanted to be a DCE since I was a sophomore in high school and before that I never waiverd in my dream to be an architect (honestly I still toy around with that one too) so I guess the idea of being completely clueless captivates me. Interesting, huh?

And people say TV isn't educational.

Valleys & Molehills

Believe it or not, the past couple weeks things have been getting better. I've been hanging out with friends and I find myself in the Word more than I had been. I've found myself looking forward to hanging out with my youth groups and actually enjoying preparing for Bible studies. All these things are great, yet I do find myself sitting on my couch or at my desk thinking about where God is taking me. Where is all this going? Where does this path lead? It never fails that the moment I think I have it all figured out He changes everything. And though it usually ends up changed for the better I can't help but mourn over what my life used to be or maybe even mourn over what my life would've been had He allowed me to carry out my plans. In the midst of my mourning and deep-mid-day-thought, a Ginny Owens CD found it's way to my desk and when no one claimed it I put it in my CD player and heard the following song:

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just becaause you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go thorugh the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me thorugh a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
You only said i'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering your love put you though
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to.

So, Lord, if you want me to trust that You will bring me through and bring me all the things my heart longs for I will go through the valley if you want me to.

Sunday's Epiphany

The following blog is something I wrote on the bulletin in church on Sunday. It's something I needed to get off my chest and since the rest of my blog site is all about me ranting and raving I figured it'd be a safe place to post it.

There were a lot of things left unsaid between us and though I wish to tell them and discuss them, I know in my heart that those things are left unsaid. The book I'm reading keeps telling me over and over that I should move on because he doesn't want me. He hasn't wanted me for sometime now, so why am I holding on? Why does my heart twinge when I hear of someone else getting a letter from him when I haven not? Am I being selfish? Probably but I can't help assuming, no, wishing he wants me just as much as I want him.

Today in church we talked about putting on the Breastplate of Righteousness-- something we don't deserve. God knows I struggle with my relationships, with doubt, with many other things... But none of those things matter to Him. "All have fallen short of the glory of God." (Romans 3) The righteousness of the breastplate doesn't come from me-- it comes from God! God made me RIGHT through Christ's sacrifice. God has given me this breastplate of righteousness so that those things that are my strongholds are no longer available to the evil one-- even my stronghold of the need to be loved, my stronghold to the person I want so much.

So, I will not write him because he doesn't want to write me and I will do my best to not think about him because he probably doesn't think about me. Moreover, it's not healthy for me to hang on to something that's not there. More than I desire to be loved by someone here, I desire to have a loving relationship with the One who created everything. Then and only then will I be able to love again.

"When the woes of life o'er take me
Hopes deceive and fears annoy,
Never shall the cross forsake me
Lo, it glows with peace and joy."
LBW 104

Brokedown Palace

I broke down Sunday night. Everything hit me at once and I just couldn't deal anymore.

What started it all was my over-scheduled-Sunday-evening. I got back from a high school youth gathering around 2pm, worked on meeting agendas in the office until 5pm, went to April's to catch the beginning of the young adult Bible study (and got David's address!) until 5:45pm, came back to church for a youth board meeting at 6pm and a council meeting at 7pm. Council meetings usually last until around 9pm but this time, due to over-discussion of stupid things, we didn't get out until 10! I had planned on returnin to April's for games but by the time I got there everyone was literally headed out the door. At that point, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I cried the whole way home.

Now I'm not sure if it was the wretched council meeting, the fact that I hadn't slept well since last Tuesday, the fact that everyone else got David's address at the same time I did (selfish I know but it made my heart hurt knowing that I wasn't anything special), or the fact that I missed hanging out with people my own age... I just cried and cried. Not only that but I blatenly lied to my only friend here when she called me around 11pm to ask if I was okay because I was quote "not like my normal self"... I said I was just tired.

Who do I think I am? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I sad all the time? Why am I able to cry at anything (commercials, tv programs, songs, puppies, ravens, etc)?? Ugh. I'm just so tired of feeling so empty and bored all the time. And it's not just because David is gone, because I've been feeling like this for months though it has gotten worse since I've had basically no interaction since he left.

The funny part is that I know precisely why I feel empty and it's not because I don't have friends (though I'm sure that doesn't help), it's because my relationship with God has fallen by the wayside. I know what to do it's just a matter of doing it and honestly I think I'm just a wee bit scared of jumping right in. I miss Him and I want Him to be at the forefront of my mind everyday... I guess I'm just procrastinating on starting a routine with Him.

Am I the only one who has issues doing this? Having a routine with God? I feel like I'm a horrible person and a bad DCE because I tell my kids it's important yet I don't do it regularly. Somebody tell me I'm not alone. Somebody tell me it's hard for you too. I just don't want to be alone anymore.

Goodbyes...

Goodbyes are quite possibly the most difficult thing humans have to go through. Whether you're saying goodbye for the night or for a year, it's hard to come up with the words to show someone how much you're going to miss them.

When I was little, goodbyes were part of my repitoire. I moved with my family a lot and the goodbyes never got easier. Leaving Arizona I left my best friend, Allegra Todd, and to this day I don't know what happened to her. Leaving California, Pennsylvania and Missouri were the same way. I never wanted to leave any of those places. I hated saying goodbye because after a while I learned that once you say goodbye things are never the same.

My freshman year of college was amazing. My roommate and I quickly became the best of friends and had a wonderful year full of laughter and counting bruises. The day we moved out of our room was difficult. It was the end of an era, a short era but still an era. We weren't going to be roommate again and I knew my friendship with her would never be the same. I think I cried until my parent's and I crossed the state line. It was difficult for me to say goodbye to Rene. In addition to Rene, saying goodbye to all my DCE friends (as well as all my other college friends too) at the end of school and internship. We had been together for 4 years and all of a sudden we were spread to the ends of the earth.

Ultimately, this blog is about me successfully saying goodbye to someone I've fallen in love with. I've said goodbye to other boys through other relationships but somehow, this one hurts more. Perhaps it's because, this time, I'm the one saying behind. Perhaps it's because, this time, I've felt more than I ever have before. Perhaps it's because, this time, I've known this boy for almost 2 years. Regardless of the reason, goodbyes are difficult.

I realize that I've blogged before about seeing the light at the end of this relationship. And I know that I have but for the time being I've been ignoring it. Trying to make myself believe that he's not leaving... that the things he believes about us weren't true... that he's going to stay and be my prince charming. But I have to face the truth-- I feel like a fool for loving him the way I did when I swore to myself that I wouldn't allow my heart to break for a fourth time. But here I sit, alone again in a world of doubt and depression I've created for myself.

The hope is found in this: I can see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that God has big plans for me and my life. Right now just wasn't the time for David and I to be together-- that time will probably never exist-- and I'm okay with that.

So goodbye David. See you around.

I heart Rebecca Mayer

and I don't even know who she is! But this article she wrote opened my eyes to realize that my need and search for perfection is a sin. We are not alone in the world Hannah and Julianna!

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life_article.php?id=7124

Nobody But Me

The first time I heard this song it made me cry. I kept thinking about that certain someone who's technically not in my life but for the next week he still is. The lyrics really summed up how I feel about him and our relationship (or lack thereof)... But, don't worry! This won't be yet another blog of me whining about Davind and being confused-- oh no! It's much more than that...

Yesterday when I heard this song on the radio I realized that it really wasn't about David. For the first time in weeks I listened to that song and heard it from the mouth of the One God made for me. He asks me to not worry about past realtionships, to stop wishing and wanting. He tells me that it's taking him awhile to tell me how he feels but it doesn't make it any less real... And t's a really good feeling to know someone else is out there waiting and wanting me too.

I love this song and I hope you do too. Read it and listen to it knowing that it's your husband speaking to you. Enjoy!

Nobody but Me by Blake Shelton

Don't waste your time
Looking over your shoulder
Those loves from the past
Ain't a gettin' no closer
When I look at my future
You're all I can see
So honey don't go loving on
Nobody but me

Nobody but me
Gonna love you
Like you ought to be loved on
Nobody but me
Gonna cry if you up and leave
Now you can do what you want to
But I'm asking pretty please
Honey don't go loving on
Nobody but me

I took my time
To tell you how I feel
Just because I took so long
Don't mean that it isn't real
Now I ain't got no diamond
But I'm down on my knees
So honey don't go loving on
Nobody but me

I did it all for the nook...

I'm addicted to watching the WB version of "Sex and the City". Last night's episode was the one where Carrie and Aidan get back together-- she walks and diapers his dog, confronts him about a waitress she's seen him with a lot-- overall her whole goal in the relationship, as she tells Samantha at least, is to get back into the nook.

Like Carrie, I like being in the nook too. It's one of the most comfortable places in the world to be in that place between a mans heart and his head, to have his arm draped around you and yours around him... it gives you a wonderful sense of being loved without question. That is, until questions come up. What if that nook isn't the nook you're supposed to be in? What if that person's nook belongs to someone else? What if that person doesn't want you in their nook? What do you do then?

I've come to the conclusion that every relationship has those questions, at least every relationship I have been in has had them. Perhaps that's why I'm still in the same place I've been in since day one-- single. They (yes, the proverbial "they") always say that when you meet The One, you know. Well, is that really true? When you meet the person you're going to marry, do all these questions subside? When you marry that person God has made specifically for you, are there no more question-marks in your relationship? I find it difficult to believe that's true... then again, I obviously haven't met my One otherwise I'd be with him right now, right?

I want to be in that nook, that questionless nook, forever and ever amen. But life isn't like that. Life isn't ever fair is it?

It’s true life is often not fair; at least when we insist things always go and be the way we want. Then, of course things seem unfair. That’s where the "not fair" problems begin: with the self. Buddha called it "attachment." When we are attached to our selfish desires, when we expect that people behave the way we want them to, when we insist on the world being totally the way we want--this is what causes suffering. The Torah teaches us to do good deeds for others, mitzvahs, and to not be so preoccupied with our own concerns. Christ taught us to love our neighbor, and put ourselves aside; he also taught us to love God with all our being. When we are selfless and non-attached; when we put ourselves aside and let love grow beyond our preconceived, limited desires--then life truly is fair. When you align yourself with the will of God, you become God’s partner, and rise above the level of reacting and attachment to the way you think everything should go. God directs you, and everything is fine. Sure, life is hard--things don’t go the way you want--it seems hard. But you talk it out, work it out, do your best, and let your Creator lead the way. You’ll be not only fine, you’ll see that all is fair. Ask yourself this today: Is my problem the result of my selfish attachments and limited desires? Norris Chumley, www.beliefnet.com

Well obviously, yes, all my problems are the result of selfish attachments and desires. That nook I want... the creation of Jamieland... it's all a creation of selfish attachments and desires. And the funny part is that I want to attach myself more to Christ and his teachings, to care more about others than myself, but I'm always making excuses as to why I'm not already there and why I can't be there right now. I know in my head that I should align myself with God's will, to allow Him to direct me in every way... maybe the reason why I'm not there is because I doubt in my heart that He can fix me, my desires and my attachments. I don't want to doubt but I do. So that leads me to the question of the day: How do you un-doubt your heart?

Jamie-land

Do you ever wish that you could just live in your own little world where everything happened just the way you wanted it to happen?

Imagine it: Friends would never live more than one block away... You'd never have to worry about counting points... Waiting to buy a house, find a mate or have children wouldn't happen... Money and budgets were no longer part of your life... And happiness would find you every day...

Wouldn't that be great?! But, alas, we live in an imperfect world where things happen the way they're supposed to-- the way God planned them to be-- and when they're supposed to-- in God's timing. Do you ever find yourself asking Him what the heck is up with His plans and why doesn't He rethink His to be more like yours? I mean is it so much to ask that you'd like to have a social life and money to spend frivilously?!

The way I thought my life would be at the ripe age of 23.5 is SOOO not the way it actually is. If I lived in Jamieland, right now I would be married living in a beautiful home on a large chunk of land on which my dog would be joyfully chasing his tail. My job would cause no stress-- youth would show up to events, ask questions to get to know eachother and God better and I'd be able to stand up for what I want. There would be no suicide, no tears, no arguments... Life would be ideal. But, in Alaskaland, life isn't as great. I'm as single as single can be living in an apartment which is too small to have more than four people over at a time. No dog. No cat. No animals at all. And, of course, DCE work brings stress bounding to levels once thought impossible. I remain spineless when it comes to confrontation, asking for what I want or just saying "no". Our community and church have had one attempted suicide and another successful suicide just this week. One of my youth was in here this afternoon crying about graduation because he's worried that his little brother will fall away from his faith once he goes to college in the fall. And arguments... Arguments are probably the number one source of stress and confusion right now.

Above all, I wish I could be a permanent resident of Jamieland... but would I learn anything about life while living there? Afterall, isn't that the point of life-- to live and love and learn?

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, wheneveryou face trials of many kinds,
because you know thtat the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not
lacking in anything. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trail, because when
he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised
to those who love him.

Thanks, James, my brother and friend. You wrote it well. Persevere through the bad and the ugly and you'll get to see the ultimate Good and the only Beauty. Say adieu to Jamieland and welcome in, with all its imperfections, this world in which we live. It may be a horrible place now but imagine where we will be once we're finished!

Missing you!

I heart Spoda and Kettle!

Blech!

Happy belated Christmas and New Years to the few people who actually read this silly blog of mine. I've been thinking this week about why anyone would possibly read this thing. Mine isn't as funny as Julianna's or Hannah's nor is it as deep and thought-provoking. It's just me saying what's on my mind in no semblance of an order. Who's interested in that? But I digress...

Things are good. I went to my parent's for Christmas and enjoyed myself for the first 7 days then I got a little homesick for Alaskaland. Yes, that's right, HOMEsick for Alaska. I guess this means I'm really growing up. I honestly didn't like not seeing mountains or any landscapes for that matter at all while I was in California. I LIKE living in this valley. I LIKE being surrounded by 3 mountain ranges and waking up to the sun rising over Pioneer Peak. You just can't get stuff like this in California... okay, at least not in Sacramento, I do know there are mountains in Cali, I just haven't seen much of them.

New Year's was alright. April and I made Jambalya (courtesy of our favorite Food Network show, Rachel Ray!) for ourselves and David and April's friend, Bristol, and surprisingly it turned out to be delicious! We went to church, played some board games and watched a 190degree view of the valley shooting off fireworks at midnight. Yes, I did get a New Year's kiss. Don't slap me and don't be disappointed. I don't know what's going on anymore than you do so let's just not go there right now. ...He's leaving in 7 weeks and frankly I'm quite sad about it. I'm going to miss him a lot and I'd really like to just spend as much time with him as I possibly can without people second-guessing my motives and/or my actions. We'll deal with those at another time.

See what I mean? This blog isn't quippy or funny or sarcastic... I'm going to stop right now and save you the agony of reading my ramblings any more ;)