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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Brokedown Palace

I broke down Sunday night. Everything hit me at once and I just couldn't deal anymore.

What started it all was my over-scheduled-Sunday-evening. I got back from a high school youth gathering around 2pm, worked on meeting agendas in the office until 5pm, went to April's to catch the beginning of the young adult Bible study (and got David's address!) until 5:45pm, came back to church for a youth board meeting at 6pm and a council meeting at 7pm. Council meetings usually last until around 9pm but this time, due to over-discussion of stupid things, we didn't get out until 10! I had planned on returnin to April's for games but by the time I got there everyone was literally headed out the door. At that point, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I cried the whole way home.

Now I'm not sure if it was the wretched council meeting, the fact that I hadn't slept well since last Tuesday, the fact that everyone else got David's address at the same time I did (selfish I know but it made my heart hurt knowing that I wasn't anything special), or the fact that I missed hanging out with people my own age... I just cried and cried. Not only that but I blatenly lied to my only friend here when she called me around 11pm to ask if I was okay because I was quote "not like my normal self"... I said I was just tired.

Who do I think I am? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I sad all the time? Why am I able to cry at anything (commercials, tv programs, songs, puppies, ravens, etc)?? Ugh. I'm just so tired of feeling so empty and bored all the time. And it's not just because David is gone, because I've been feeling like this for months though it has gotten worse since I've had basically no interaction since he left.

The funny part is that I know precisely why I feel empty and it's not because I don't have friends (though I'm sure that doesn't help), it's because my relationship with God has fallen by the wayside. I know what to do it's just a matter of doing it and honestly I think I'm just a wee bit scared of jumping right in. I miss Him and I want Him to be at the forefront of my mind everyday... I guess I'm just procrastinating on starting a routine with Him.

Am I the only one who has issues doing this? Having a routine with God? I feel like I'm a horrible person and a bad DCE because I tell my kids it's important yet I don't do it regularly. Somebody tell me I'm not alone. Somebody tell me it's hard for you too. I just don't want to be alone anymore.

2 comments:

hannah said...

You can't guilt yourself into studying God's word James, I've tried and I'm at the exact same place you are with God--I miss Him, I want Him, I need Him, but I'm scared to go back to Him b/c I know He's still there, waiting--I guess, maybe I'm scared of the grace of God knowing that He'll take me back with open arms when I've done nothing to deserve it. I'm also scared of what happens when I'm in God's word b/c it changes who I am--and I'm kind of comfortable in my sinful self. It's like my pajamas on my day off. I wander around in those until the last moment possible because it delays my doing anything constructive with my day.

Wow this is long, but know that I love you, that God loves you and that you're not alone and that you not only have friends here, but that God is waiting for you like the father in the story of the prodigal son. He'll come running with open arms.

hannie

Dutch not German is said...

You aren't alone by any streach of the imagination, dear. You aren't alone in dealing with your feelings of loneliness. You aren't alone in struggling in your relationship with God. Heck, you aren't even alone in having long bored (sp intentional) meetings that make you want to cry. You aren't alone because you have friends who love you, and who will be there for you any time, night or day.