The past few evenings I have spent the night curled up on my end of the couch with my roommate, April, on the other end discussing a multitude of things. Mostly, though, it's been boys and roommates.
You see, we've lived in this 3-bedroom house together for 6 weeks now and our third roommate, though she did pay rent for the month of August, has yet to sleep in the house. Actually, she's only been in the house a total of four times since we moved in. To make a long story short, she's supposed to tell us this week if she will actually be moving in or if we need to find another roommate. So much of our nightly conversations have covered the topic of "If not Nikki, then who?" and we've ultimately come up with two viable options: 1. Sara (21, Nikki's sister) and 2. Melanie (24, group friend). Both girls have an equal number of positives listed under them... and an equal number of negatives. Both girls have jobs and are going to school. Both girls get along fabulously with us. Both girls would enjoy not living with their parents anymore. So April and I are stuck in this conundrum where we love both of these girls and wouldn't mind living with either of them... but the reality is, as we confessed last night, neither April nor I want another roommate. Yet, regardless of what we want, we cannot afford to NOT have someone else living with us so that brings us to the decision-making process of possibly hurting someone's feelings.
For those of you who know me, I hope you wouldn't describe me as a selfish person. I rarely see myself acting selfishly but last night I was. You see, April is in the beginnings of a relationship with our friend, Chad, and Melanie has a boy(space)friend in Anchorage, so in this way (and this way alone) I would rather live with Sara so I might avoid always being the fifth wheel in the house. Even as I type these sentences, I feel horrible. How could a friend actually say that? Actually feel that?
The answer, my friends, is someone who is just about as lonely as she can be. As I previously mentioned, the remainder of our conversations have been about boys mostly because April has NEVER had a boyfriend. Much of our evenings is me telling her what I've done and why she should never do it. Last night she asked me a question though that I couldn't answer: How do you know if you like the idea of hanging out with a guy or if you actually like hanging with him? Now for those of you who know me well, you know that I regularly struggle with this question and ones like it. Recently, with the addition of Chad into April's life and possibly the introduction of another "attached" roommate, I find myself struggling with whether I miss him or the idea of him.
If any of you out there have an easy way of deciphering this battle of uncertainty I have, let me know so I can get over this plateau...
