Goodbyes...

Goodbyes are quite possibly the most difficult thing humans have to go through. Whether you're saying goodbye for the night or for a year, it's hard to come up with the words to show someone how much you're going to miss them.

When I was little, goodbyes were part of my repitoire. I moved with my family a lot and the goodbyes never got easier. Leaving Arizona I left my best friend, Allegra Todd, and to this day I don't know what happened to her. Leaving California, Pennsylvania and Missouri were the same way. I never wanted to leave any of those places. I hated saying goodbye because after a while I learned that once you say goodbye things are never the same.

My freshman year of college was amazing. My roommate and I quickly became the best of friends and had a wonderful year full of laughter and counting bruises. The day we moved out of our room was difficult. It was the end of an era, a short era but still an era. We weren't going to be roommate again and I knew my friendship with her would never be the same. I think I cried until my parent's and I crossed the state line. It was difficult for me to say goodbye to Rene. In addition to Rene, saying goodbye to all my DCE friends (as well as all my other college friends too) at the end of school and internship. We had been together for 4 years and all of a sudden we were spread to the ends of the earth.

Ultimately, this blog is about me successfully saying goodbye to someone I've fallen in love with. I've said goodbye to other boys through other relationships but somehow, this one hurts more. Perhaps it's because, this time, I'm the one saying behind. Perhaps it's because, this time, I've felt more than I ever have before. Perhaps it's because, this time, I've known this boy for almost 2 years. Regardless of the reason, goodbyes are difficult.

I realize that I've blogged before about seeing the light at the end of this relationship. And I know that I have but for the time being I've been ignoring it. Trying to make myself believe that he's not leaving... that the things he believes about us weren't true... that he's going to stay and be my prince charming. But I have to face the truth-- I feel like a fool for loving him the way I did when I swore to myself that I wouldn't allow my heart to break for a fourth time. But here I sit, alone again in a world of doubt and depression I've created for myself.

The hope is found in this: I can see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that God has big plans for me and my life. Right now just wasn't the time for David and I to be together-- that time will probably never exist-- and I'm okay with that.

So goodbye David. See you around.

I heart Rebecca Mayer

and I don't even know who she is! But this article she wrote opened my eyes to realize that my need and search for perfection is a sin. We are not alone in the world Hannah and Julianna!

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life_article.php?id=7124

Nobody But Me

The first time I heard this song it made me cry. I kept thinking about that certain someone who's technically not in my life but for the next week he still is. The lyrics really summed up how I feel about him and our relationship (or lack thereof)... But, don't worry! This won't be yet another blog of me whining about Davind and being confused-- oh no! It's much more than that...

Yesterday when I heard this song on the radio I realized that it really wasn't about David. For the first time in weeks I listened to that song and heard it from the mouth of the One God made for me. He asks me to not worry about past realtionships, to stop wishing and wanting. He tells me that it's taking him awhile to tell me how he feels but it doesn't make it any less real... And t's a really good feeling to know someone else is out there waiting and wanting me too.

I love this song and I hope you do too. Read it and listen to it knowing that it's your husband speaking to you. Enjoy!

Nobody but Me by Blake Shelton

Don't waste your time
Looking over your shoulder
Those loves from the past
Ain't a gettin' no closer
When I look at my future
You're all I can see
So honey don't go loving on
Nobody but me

Nobody but me
Gonna love you
Like you ought to be loved on
Nobody but me
Gonna cry if you up and leave
Now you can do what you want to
But I'm asking pretty please
Honey don't go loving on
Nobody but me

I took my time
To tell you how I feel
Just because I took so long
Don't mean that it isn't real
Now I ain't got no diamond
But I'm down on my knees
So honey don't go loving on
Nobody but me

I did it all for the nook...

I'm addicted to watching the WB version of "Sex and the City". Last night's episode was the one where Carrie and Aidan get back together-- she walks and diapers his dog, confronts him about a waitress she's seen him with a lot-- overall her whole goal in the relationship, as she tells Samantha at least, is to get back into the nook.

Like Carrie, I like being in the nook too. It's one of the most comfortable places in the world to be in that place between a mans heart and his head, to have his arm draped around you and yours around him... it gives you a wonderful sense of being loved without question. That is, until questions come up. What if that nook isn't the nook you're supposed to be in? What if that person's nook belongs to someone else? What if that person doesn't want you in their nook? What do you do then?

I've come to the conclusion that every relationship has those questions, at least every relationship I have been in has had them. Perhaps that's why I'm still in the same place I've been in since day one-- single. They (yes, the proverbial "they") always say that when you meet The One, you know. Well, is that really true? When you meet the person you're going to marry, do all these questions subside? When you marry that person God has made specifically for you, are there no more question-marks in your relationship? I find it difficult to believe that's true... then again, I obviously haven't met my One otherwise I'd be with him right now, right?

I want to be in that nook, that questionless nook, forever and ever amen. But life isn't like that. Life isn't ever fair is it?

It’s true life is often not fair; at least when we insist things always go and be the way we want. Then, of course things seem unfair. That’s where the "not fair" problems begin: with the self. Buddha called it "attachment." When we are attached to our selfish desires, when we expect that people behave the way we want them to, when we insist on the world being totally the way we want--this is what causes suffering. The Torah teaches us to do good deeds for others, mitzvahs, and to not be so preoccupied with our own concerns. Christ taught us to love our neighbor, and put ourselves aside; he also taught us to love God with all our being. When we are selfless and non-attached; when we put ourselves aside and let love grow beyond our preconceived, limited desires--then life truly is fair. When you align yourself with the will of God, you become God’s partner, and rise above the level of reacting and attachment to the way you think everything should go. God directs you, and everything is fine. Sure, life is hard--things don’t go the way you want--it seems hard. But you talk it out, work it out, do your best, and let your Creator lead the way. You’ll be not only fine, you’ll see that all is fair. Ask yourself this today: Is my problem the result of my selfish attachments and limited desires? Norris Chumley, www.beliefnet.com

Well obviously, yes, all my problems are the result of selfish attachments and desires. That nook I want... the creation of Jamieland... it's all a creation of selfish attachments and desires. And the funny part is that I want to attach myself more to Christ and his teachings, to care more about others than myself, but I'm always making excuses as to why I'm not already there and why I can't be there right now. I know in my head that I should align myself with God's will, to allow Him to direct me in every way... maybe the reason why I'm not there is because I doubt in my heart that He can fix me, my desires and my attachments. I don't want to doubt but I do. So that leads me to the question of the day: How do you un-doubt your heart?