Sunday's Epiphany

The following blog is something I wrote on the bulletin in church on Sunday. It's something I needed to get off my chest and since the rest of my blog site is all about me ranting and raving I figured it'd be a safe place to post it.

There were a lot of things left unsaid between us and though I wish to tell them and discuss them, I know in my heart that those things are left unsaid. The book I'm reading keeps telling me over and over that I should move on because he doesn't want me. He hasn't wanted me for sometime now, so why am I holding on? Why does my heart twinge when I hear of someone else getting a letter from him when I haven not? Am I being selfish? Probably but I can't help assuming, no, wishing he wants me just as much as I want him.

Today in church we talked about putting on the Breastplate of Righteousness-- something we don't deserve. God knows I struggle with my relationships, with doubt, with many other things... But none of those things matter to Him. "All have fallen short of the glory of God." (Romans 3) The righteousness of the breastplate doesn't come from me-- it comes from God! God made me RIGHT through Christ's sacrifice. God has given me this breastplate of righteousness so that those things that are my strongholds are no longer available to the evil one-- even my stronghold of the need to be loved, my stronghold to the person I want so much.

So, I will not write him because he doesn't want to write me and I will do my best to not think about him because he probably doesn't think about me. Moreover, it's not healthy for me to hang on to something that's not there. More than I desire to be loved by someone here, I desire to have a loving relationship with the One who created everything. Then and only then will I be able to love again.

"When the woes of life o'er take me
Hopes deceive and fears annoy,
Never shall the cross forsake me
Lo, it glows with peace and joy."
LBW 104

Brokedown Palace

I broke down Sunday night. Everything hit me at once and I just couldn't deal anymore.

What started it all was my over-scheduled-Sunday-evening. I got back from a high school youth gathering around 2pm, worked on meeting agendas in the office until 5pm, went to April's to catch the beginning of the young adult Bible study (and got David's address!) until 5:45pm, came back to church for a youth board meeting at 6pm and a council meeting at 7pm. Council meetings usually last until around 9pm but this time, due to over-discussion of stupid things, we didn't get out until 10! I had planned on returnin to April's for games but by the time I got there everyone was literally headed out the door. At that point, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I cried the whole way home.

Now I'm not sure if it was the wretched council meeting, the fact that I hadn't slept well since last Tuesday, the fact that everyone else got David's address at the same time I did (selfish I know but it made my heart hurt knowing that I wasn't anything special), or the fact that I missed hanging out with people my own age... I just cried and cried. Not only that but I blatenly lied to my only friend here when she called me around 11pm to ask if I was okay because I was quote "not like my normal self"... I said I was just tired.

Who do I think I am? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I sad all the time? Why am I able to cry at anything (commercials, tv programs, songs, puppies, ravens, etc)?? Ugh. I'm just so tired of feeling so empty and bored all the time. And it's not just because David is gone, because I've been feeling like this for months though it has gotten worse since I've had basically no interaction since he left.

The funny part is that I know precisely why I feel empty and it's not because I don't have friends (though I'm sure that doesn't help), it's because my relationship with God has fallen by the wayside. I know what to do it's just a matter of doing it and honestly I think I'm just a wee bit scared of jumping right in. I miss Him and I want Him to be at the forefront of my mind everyday... I guess I'm just procrastinating on starting a routine with Him.

Am I the only one who has issues doing this? Having a routine with God? I feel like I'm a horrible person and a bad DCE because I tell my kids it's important yet I don't do it regularly. Somebody tell me I'm not alone. Somebody tell me it's hard for you too. I just don't want to be alone anymore.