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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Northern Lights & New Theories

Last week, the Northern Lights were absolutely amazing...
They were out several nights last week and each night they just got better and better. And I was lucky enough to catch them every night as I was driving from my house to my housesitting house. One night as I was watching them I started praying, as I often do when I see the Auroras, and I really felt God talking to me, working in my heart. You know, it never fails to amaze me how wonderful our God is, how comforting He can be... and how healing He can be.

Obviously the biggest hurt on my heart lately has been the aforementioned "hateful decision" I succumbed to earlier this month. To make a long story short, I'm not totally convinced that the decision I made is truly the right one. I realize that my feelings on this issue seem to change... well... a lot, so I realize your skepticism in believing me this time. But, you know, I'm finally at peace with this issue with this revelation I have now.

So the decision I previously made-- that I miss him-- was ultimately made so that I can protect my heart. You see my heart has been broken several times before-- so many times there's scar tissue on scar tissue-- and this last time... I just... it hurt a lot and I don't want to have to go through that again. Not again. So I try to convince myself that I'm caught up in this idea, this unhappy place, because I'm afraid of... I'm afraid of being happy again because every time I'm happy in a relationship it just ends up shattering my heart... every one of my relationships end that way. Yes, Hannah, it is a defeatest attitude to have. But that's the way it is. History DOES repeat itself and unfortunately it hurts worse and worse every time repeats.
So my new theory, this new revelation, is that I'm trying to hold on to something that isn't there so that I can protect myself from going through any sort of heartache again. There you have it.

Believe what you want... Take bets on how long it'll take me to post yet another I've-changed-my-mind blog... This is what it's about. I know.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Time Flies...

Wow. It's been nearly a month since I last posted and actually quite a lot has gone on. I'll spare you most of the details... but you'll still get some :)

Since my last post:

  • April & Chad "broke up". April maintains that they never really were dating so they couldn't technically break up but what else would you call it? Seconds after Chad left the house after the aforementioned break up, April promptly blurted out, "Jamie, I think YOU should date Chad." To which my other roommate said, "Me too!".... fabulous...
  • I had a conversation with David during which he literally hung up on me because "Oh! A girl is calling me." Talk about being slapped back into reality. I'm not saying I'm completely over him, but I am saying I'm A LOT better than I was a month ago... plus I have other theories now that I promise to mention later.
  • I'm officially becoming more like my sister everyday. In the past week, I have caught myself using the phrase "FYI" on more than an occassional basis. I've heard of turning into your mother but your sister? Interesting...
  • Work stuff has been VERY discouraging. My numbers have dwindled to two or three per week. And while I know it's not all about numbers, I can't help but (a) take it personally and (b) worry about my future here. Any tips on completely revamping a program, add 'em here!!
  • Eagle-River-Guy is no more. Frankly, he creeps me out and I don't even know him. He's off the books. Yay. But now I've got one talking to me who's even closer in proximity... but he seems less weird. We'll see...
  • Finally, April has moved on to our friend, Nick, and boy are we THRILLED! He's absolutely perfect for her and frankly she needs some happiness in her life right now with all that her family is going through. (Her dad has a cancerous tumor on his kidney. He's getting it removed on Thursday. Prayers are readily accepted!)

Basically, that's it. It's been crazy busy around here yet I always seem to find time to waste online... don't we all? As for my new theory, I'll have to blog about that later. Confirmation starts today and I have yet to plan my lesson--The Queen of Procrastination strikes again!