Girly Girl Things

A few months ago I wrote in my youth newsletter that I'm a girl, but I'm not a girly girl. I don't like wearing make-up or doing my hair. It took my mom years to convince me that using a brush while blow-drying my hair will make a world of difference (Thanks Mom!) And my sister is still on me about the no-make-up thing... though I do wear lip gloss and a bit of eye shadow and mascara every now and then. I guess you could say I pride myself on not being girly... but I've come the realization recently that I am very girly when it comes to my emotions and to boys.

If you've read any of my previous posts, you know the situation I'm in with David. Things through the end of July were alright, I guess. The time we spent together at the Rockey's while they were gone (I got to do laundry for free!) was interesting... Bottom line is that we miss each other's prescence and company in our lives. Well, things after July have been interesting. He's been in Palmer all of 5 non-consecutive days the entire month of August. He spent a week doing VBS in Delta, then 10 days hunting and now he's out hunting again until the middle of next week. While he's been gone, it's left me alone to think about this situation and how much it sucks.

Long story short, it came to a head yesterday. He came over to my apartment for dinner and then we went to lap-swim as usual. Except things weren't usual. I wanted to talk to him so much about what Rene' and Hannah have discussed with me-- about what I want out of this and about what he wants. But, I didn't get the nerve until after swimming. We went back to my apartment and he stayed in the car. No hug, nothing. Just said he had to go pack for hunting (he left at 4:30am today). When he left, after I closed my door, I cried. I cried for hours and hours. And, honestly, I'm not sure if it was one thing or several. If it was the avoidance of the situation on both ends or if it was my frustration with him not wanting to say good-bye. Or if it was simply the fact that I've been having a bad few days and all I wanted was to talk to my best friend... and he didn't want to talk to me.

So, he's gone for the next week. I'm left, yet again, to my own thoughts. And honestly, I'm tired of thinking about this. At this point, I don't care if I get my boyfriend back... I just want my friend. That's all. That's all I want.

Don't take me wrong-- it'd be great to get my boyfriend back. To be able to hold his hand and kiss... but honestly, I don't think either of us could handle that right now. We've struggle so much with the over-abundance-of-lust issue that any fraction of physical contact leads us down a very dark path... it's my hope and prayer that when David gets back and I finally get the nerve to sit down and talk to him that we can work through these issues (and many more) together as friends with God. (See below) Because that's all I really want. I want my friend back.

P.S.
I found this great book by Joshua Harris, who I usually can't stand but this book is pretty darn good. It's called "Not Even A Hint" and it's about our struggle with lust. Plus it comes with study guides for men and women to use. So, I'm gonna go buy those guides in hopes that he'll embrace this idea of bringing God into our relationship... something we've been leaving out.