Hateful Decisions

It's been a while since I actually posted something personal on this thing. I mean football articles and 9-11 poems might suffice for some of you but others deserve more. And no I won't talk about Rick Springfield (though he IS sexy...) but I will be referencing one of my past posts. Just as a warning to any of my kiddos who read this-- Sorry if it's TMI! Stop reading here if you don't want to know!


Around the middle of August I blogged about a certain question that has been on my mind for a few months, especially since my roommate started dating our friend Chad (aren't they cute?!). Deciphering between what my head was saying (ie I miss the idea of him) and what my heart wanted (ie I miss him) has been difficult, and much to the dismay of many people (myself included!) I've successfully decided... and I hate my decision.

I don't want to miss him. I don't want to miss any part of it, but I do. I hate it because I know that he doesn't feel the same way. Even though that crushes me, I'm the kind of person that just can't let people run away from her. Jules says so, so it must be true. It's an admirable quality- fighting for ones friends- but really, where does the admiration stop and annoyance begin?

I know that I should take the advice of some wonderful girls (you know who you are!) and agree to actually meet Eagle-River-Guy but I'm hestiant. More than hesitant, really. Stubborn is more like it. I'm holding onto this ideal that's forcing me out of living my life. I'm holding onto my idea of what I want and it's not leaving any room for what God wants for me. And at this point, I'm not sure if I care what God wants. It's a horrible thing to say. I know He wants nothing but the best of the best for me. He would never let me down. But maybe I'm not worried about Him letting me down... it's the reverse. Wow... I've already let Him down so much that I'm afraid if I let go of this situation I'll just disappoint Him more. I know He doesn't work like that but sometimes it feels that way.

I need you to know that it's not Chad & April's fault I feel this way. It's not Jules or Hannah or Kristy. It's not Bristol (my other roommate). It's not even David or Josh (aka Eagle-River-Guy). It's me plain and simple. And since it's not someone elses issue, I'm not sure how to deal with it. Just be aware that I don't want him to know I miss him... I think him knowing would only make it worse. It'll get figured out. I'll move on. It's just going to take much longer than I had initially hoped.