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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Northern Lights & New Theories

Last week, the Northern Lights were absolutely amazing...
They were out several nights last week and each night they just got better and better. And I was lucky enough to catch them every night as I was driving from my house to my housesitting house. One night as I was watching them I started praying, as I often do when I see the Auroras, and I really felt God talking to me, working in my heart. You know, it never fails to amaze me how wonderful our God is, how comforting He can be... and how healing He can be.

Obviously the biggest hurt on my heart lately has been the aforementioned "hateful decision" I succumbed to earlier this month. To make a long story short, I'm not totally convinced that the decision I made is truly the right one. I realize that my feelings on this issue seem to change... well... a lot, so I realize your skepticism in believing me this time. But, you know, I'm finally at peace with this issue with this revelation I have now.

So the decision I previously made-- that I miss him-- was ultimately made so that I can protect my heart. You see my heart has been broken several times before-- so many times there's scar tissue on scar tissue-- and this last time... I just... it hurt a lot and I don't want to have to go through that again. Not again. So I try to convince myself that I'm caught up in this idea, this unhappy place, because I'm afraid of... I'm afraid of being happy again because every time I'm happy in a relationship it just ends up shattering my heart... every one of my relationships end that way. Yes, Hannah, it is a defeatest attitude to have. But that's the way it is. History DOES repeat itself and unfortunately it hurts worse and worse every time repeats.
So my new theory, this new revelation, is that I'm trying to hold on to something that isn't there so that I can protect myself from going through any sort of heartache again. There you have it.

Believe what you want... Take bets on how long it'll take me to post yet another I've-changed-my-mind blog... This is what it's about. I know.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Defeatist? Yes, maybe. Also realistic. But just think, one time it's not going to end that way... the guy you marry. Ok, enough romantical mush for me:)

lubke-moss said...

I tend to lean to Hannah's idea of the hopeless romantic. I, too, have had my heart broken before - It pretty much sucks, and depending on the circumstances, can sting for a long time. But do not fret. This too shall pass. It always does, and you become a stronger and wiser person for it.

As for the beautiful Northern Lights, I can only imagine - I'd love to see them some day. God surly is fabulous and has a wonderful imagination. Its funny how different places all have their wonderfully unique source of beauty. You have northern lights and mountains, and I have palm trees and the ocean.

One last thing - It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind. :)