The following blog is something I wrote on the bulletin in church on Sunday. It's something I needed to get off my chest and since the rest of my blog site is all about me ranting and raving I figured it'd be a safe place to post it.
There were a lot of things left unsaid between us and though I wish to tell them and discuss them, I know in my heart that those things are left unsaid. The book I'm reading keeps telling me over and over that I should move on because he doesn't want me. He hasn't wanted me for sometime now, so why am I holding on? Why does my heart twinge when I hear of someone else getting a letter from him when I haven not? Am I being selfish? Probably but I can't help assuming, no, wishing he wants me just as much as I want him.
Today in church we talked about putting on the Breastplate of Righteousness-- something we don't deserve. God knows I struggle with my relationships, with doubt, with many other things... But none of those things matter to Him. "All have fallen short of the glory of God." (Romans 3) The righteousness of the breastplate doesn't come from me-- it comes from God! God made me RIGHT through Christ's sacrifice. God has given me this breastplate of righteousness so that those things that are my strongholds are no longer available to the evil one-- even my stronghold of the need to be loved, my stronghold to the person I want so much.
So, I will not write him because he doesn't want to write me and I will do my best to not think about him because he probably doesn't think about me. Moreover, it's not healthy for me to hang on to something that's not there. More than I desire to be loved by someone here, I desire to have a loving relationship with the One who created everything. Then and only then will I be able to love again.
Hopes deceive and fears annoy,
Never shall the cross forsake me
Lo, it glows with peace and joy."
LBW 104
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