Four Kinds of Pain

Looking back over the past month I have trouble finding where it's all gone. I've started to realize that I'm doing the same things over and over again. I find that troubling. Am I not working hard enough to make things fun?! I'm losing kids from my youth group... seemingly to sports and such but they make time for the "fun" events. I've nearly lost control over my confirmation class... but I take delight in knowing I only have 3 more classes after today to suffer through.

I've taken this call and now, I'm not so excited about things. Don't get me wrong. I want to be a DCE. I'm not sure what else I'd be doing if it weren't for this. I'm just stuck in monotany and I don't know how to get out. I'm looking so much at the future that I forget to plan and watch things that are right in front of me. I worry almost too much about the future of the youth group after my juniors leave next year. I'm worried that we'll lose the eighth graders that are getting confirmed the 3rd of April. I'm worried that I'm not good enough.

David says that I'm starting to buy into all this self-doubt, that I'm starting to believe my pessimistic views on my life and my ministry. And as much as I don't want to admit it, he's right. Why am I so concerned with the numbers? I shouldn't be. I know that. I just want these youth to experience God the way I have, the way I did when I was in high school.

Still, I know the problems begin with me and with my heart. It's confession time: I SUCK at getting into the word and looking to God for guidance. (I guess Sullivan and I are on the same page!) I suck at it. Plain and simple. I realize that without that constant nurturing of my own spirit that I can't guide anyone else. I've faultered in my spiritual life. I've faultered in my physical/emotional life. I've let myself get past the point of recognition and I don't know how to get back...

My body hurts. My heart hurts. My spirit hurts. My head hurts.

I just don't know what to do any more.